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Casey's blog

On separation, and doing hard things

1/11/2021

 
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I just sent out my newsletter ​for the first time in nearly a year. In it, and with a still somewhat curious sadness yet acceptance in my heart, I replaced the photo from my last campaign - a photo of Andreas and I - with the above solo one of me.

That's because we separated very early this year. Our divorce is just around the corner. 

What followed has been the hardest year of my life. Separation. Preparing for divorce. Property settlement. Shared child care arrangements. Massive financial stress. Not knowing where the kids and I would be living in a year. Planning for a completely different future I had envisioned for myself and my kids.

I think I've spent long periods of time thinking that if I have done enough yoga, meditated enough, attended enough couples counselling sessions, read all the parenting books, done the conscious marriage courses, that things will be perfect... or something near it.

But that's the thing about seeking security, or perfection, or "balance". Life has a way of going, "yeah, nah... not so fast." And throwing a bucket of paint all over you when you're donned in your finery. Or landing you with three bills over $2000 in one week (that happened to me last week).

Equanimity, this sentiment of "the only constant is change, accept it", is easy to swallow on paper. I have buddhist leanings, so am familiar with the concepts of suffering and pain as inevitable parts of life.

Being equanimous doesn't mean this shit doesn't hurt, though. You can accept things change and end. And it can also still hurt like hell.

But perhaps, it hurts a little less if I accept it, than if I resist and fight and wish it was all different (which I definitely do at times).

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. 
- Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

So what has it been like? Well, primarily... it's been a rollercoaster of emotions. 

Grief, so much grief.

Guilt, that I couldn't make things work between us... and for not always being able to navigate my way through it with grace and dignity. Anger, at all the unresolved issues between us. Disappointment that the two kids, happy marriage and white picket fence ideal that seemed finally within my grasp, disintegrated in my hands.

To make ends meet I went back to working as a veterinarian, my original qualification. I needed stability and security, something that working for myself couldn't provide at that point in time. It wasn't my heart's work but I found satisfaction in it and the people I worked with were amazing. Thank you Maleny Veterinary Services!

The thing is, working as a vet and reconfiguring my long term goals to build my skills in that area, left little space for anything else that gave me joy. 

I stopped teaching all of my classes, except for a loyal group of women I was running privates for... and even that had to be put on hold after a while.

I drastically reduced my nutrition client work. My work with eating disorder clients, women trying to balance their hormones or have babies. Deeply rewarding work I just didn't have the brain space for with my other vet work going on at the same time... and more accurately, with the inner turmoil I was experiencing.

I referred on all health professionals seeking mentorship because I didn't have the energy to give them my 100%.

But it hasn't all been doom and gloom! I've also experienced intense joy and peace. Joy, at reconnecting with certain parts of myself I'd lost for some time. Peace, because I no longer need to suppress parts of myself that I had to keep contained in my marriage in order for it to "work". 

I've found wells of inner strength and resourcefulness I didn't realise I had. I remember now that I can do really hard things when I have to. 

The things that kept me going were:
  • friends, first and foremost. You know who you are. I love you.
  • journalling
  • seeing my psychologist
  • pranayama, in bed at night before falling asleep. Except when I'm exhausted, which happens more often than not now that I'm a single mum. 
  • time in nature
  • yoga asana and strength training, while not always consistent, definitely helped me keep my sanity.

It's funny how tough circumstances can make you dig more deeply into whatever tools and support you have... and make you realise that you do indeed have them. 

You have these too. And if you don't, look up nadi shodhana pranayama and start with that. It helps.

It has taken me this long to publicly talk about this, because I've been processing. Numbing out at times, out of necessity when I just didn't have energy or heart to "work on it" anymore. But processing, too.

In short, it has been a f*cking hard year. But I am finally starting to come out the other side. 

Just a few weeks ago, I quit my job at the vet. I miss my calling, my work in yoga and nutrition. I'm grateful for the experience, and I know that I need to do what I love to be truly happy... even if it doesn't come with a regular wage, automatic superannuation and benefits!

Despite all the shit I'm smiling in the photo above. I've managed to look for and be grateful for all the beautiful things in my life right now, of which there are MANY!

So if you, too, have had a hard year, I'm with you. Believe me when I say, it will get better. Remember, you have tools, and resources. I'd love to hear from you about any tools and resources (inner or external) that have worked for you when times have been tough.

​I'm still going through it, still learning, still grieving. AND. I'm so grateful for all this practice has taught me, and I can't wait to share it again with people again.


And if, for you, it continues to be a dark tunnel for now, know that you can get through it, you can do hard things, too.
Diane Mcneill
1/11/2021 03:29:27 am

Sorry to hear of your heartbreak and so great to read your blog again. I wish you health happiness and abundance.

Casey Conroy
1/11/2021 04:37:45 pm

Thank you Diane, you've followed my trajectory for a long time and it means a lot that you're here wishing me well :)

WENDY
1/11/2021 04:56:24 am

I've been in the trenches with you this year - parallel story. Excited to hear you have the emotional space to return to your passion. Wishing you every success - you deserve it. X

Casey Conroy
1/11/2021 04:39:05 pm

Wendy.. sending you bucketloads of compassion for the hard year you've had too. It has taken quite some time for that emotional space to open up but I'm excited it's finally beginning to happen. We've got this <3

Canice
1/11/2021 12:59:02 pm

Sending you love, hugs n blessings Casey. Thank you for sharing your life adventures with us.. always so real and from the heart.
Keep shining beautiful this world needs your light . Love you ❤💛🧡

Casey Conroy
1/11/2021 04:39:55 pm

Thanks Canice for reaching out and for your beautiful words. Your boys must be SO grown by now! Big hugs xx

Kirsten
1/11/2021 01:44:36 pm

You are truely amazing Casey. An amazing woman, an amazing friend. Your coming out the other side as someone who knows what she truely wants in life. Most people are still searching for that. You’ve got this.

Casey Conroy
1/11/2021 04:41:39 pm

Only a truly amazing person would be able to say what you've said Kirst ;) Thank you for ALL your support, love and encouragement this year.. you've put yourself out for me so many times and I'm grateful for you. Love you x

Helen
1/11/2021 04:57:40 pm

Dear Casey sending you love light and all of your experiences and learnings to be blessed in evolving and shed the layers & continue to be the beautiful butterfly that you are. Your wings will look after your children and relationships. Extreme tests are to test your faith and then work from the heart to remodel conditioned former beliefs that no longer a align or support you. We miss you on the Gold Coast. I hope this brings you joy for your gifts of who you are and the divine testing you have passed. Congratulations 💕 you’ve got everything within you and are a loving powerful being. Hugs in the heart. Keep asking for support from the universe and you will receive. 🙏 x x

Daykin link
15/3/2023 08:23:09 pm

Helpful insights and ideas that couples can refer through.


Comments are closed.

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